If only I had this before I saw The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

How to Tell if You’re About to Watch a Bad Nicolas Cage Movie

11:00 am Sunday Feb 20, 2011 by Emily Temple

Finally, someone has given us the answer to this question! It’s so hard to tell with Nicolas Cage – sure, there are the Raising Arizonas and the Adaptations, but there are also The Sorcerer’s Apprentices and the Nexts. On the one hand, the man has been in so many movies that it seems inevitable that some of them would be pretty bad, but on the other hand… we don’t need to spend precious hours of our lives watching the bad ones. Luckily for us, the kind folks at the Guardian – who claim that ‘roughly 38% of Hollywood’s second-rate output seems to star the indefatigable Cage’ - have created this specially formulated rubric for deciding whether the Nicolas Cage movie you’re about to sit down and watch is going to be totally amazing or utterly painful. Prepare to apply this procedure when deciding whether or not you’ll shell out to see Cage’s new film Drive Angry 3D when it hits theaters on Friday. So you can, you know, choose to do something else.

1. Check the Hair

“There’s a direct correlation between the length of Cage’s locks and the awfulness of his movies. As a rule of thumb, if the hair’s short (Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas, Bad Lieutenant) then you’re on to a winner. But if it’s long, greasy and swept back behind his ears (Con Air, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Next) then – yes – you’re watching a bad Nic Cage movie.”

2. Is he wearing a vest?

“Here’s a handy hint for you. If the role requires Cage to bare his well-chiselled midriff, and it doesn’t star Sean Connery (The Rock), then stand up and make a dash for the nearest available exit. Likewise, if Cage is in any way called upon to take on the action-hero mantle, dispatching faceless goons with an arsenal of firearms (National Treasure), martial arts (Bangkok Dangerous) or a magic sword (Season Of The Witch) – run for the hills. In short, if his physique resembles anything other than a Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin then you’re probably watching a bad Nic Cage movie.”

3. Can he see into the future?

“If Nicolas Cage has dug up a time capsule that predicts global catastrophes (Knowing), or he’s playing a cheap Vegas showman who can see into the future (Next), then you too can come over all clairvoyant and predict that you’re about to waste the next 90 minutes of your life watching a bad Nic Cage movie.”

4. Don’t be fooled by the quality of his co-conspirators

“If the film is directed by Martin Scorsese (Bringing Out The Dead), co-stars Michael Caine (The Weather Man), or his love interest is played by either Helen Hunt (Kiss Of Death), Gina Gershon (Face/Off), or even Angelina Jolie (Gone In 60 Seconds), don’t be fooled into thinking you’re watching a good Nic Cage movie – you’re not; put the DVD down and step away from the bargain bin.”

5. Is he in the army?

“Yes? Don’t even bother. Whether he’s protecting Navajo codetalkers (John Woo’s Windtalkers) or attempting an altogether different type of Woo-ing involving a Greek island, Penélope Cruz and a musical instrument from the lute family (Captain Corelli’s Mandolin), then you’re not just watching a bad Nic Cage movie, you’re watching a bad Nic Cage movie that’s likely to be about as entertaining as a Justin Bieber fanclub picnic.”

Drive Angry 3D’s Scorecard:

Hair: Long(ish), definitely greasy -1

Vest: Vestless, but read the rest – he IS trying to be an action hero -1

Future-telling: No, but he’s coming back from the dead, so we think that makes the results inconclusive -1/+1

Co-conspirators: Nobody super famous, though we do like William Fichtner +1

Army-man: Nope, although it does appear that he was in a gang of some kind +1

Conclusion: We’ve got a tie on our hands. However, if we can add our own qualification, we’re pretty sure that any movie with 3D in the title is probably going to be terrible. So watch at your own risk.

via flavorwire.com